RELATIONSHIP: I’m in a closed relationship and I don’t think I’m monogamous

What to Think About If You’re Questioning This in a Relationship

You’re in a relationship, perhaps one that’s serious and committed, but something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe you’ve found yourself wondering if monogamy is truly for you. You’re not alone. Many people reach a point where they start to question whether the traditional framework of monogamy aligns with their needs and desires. 

Realising you might not be monogamous can bring up a host of emotions—confusion, fear, guilt, even excitement. It’s important to remember that questioning monogamy is not a failure or betrayal. It’s an opportunity for self-discovery, a chance to reflect on what truly works for you in relationships. So, if you’re grappling with the possibility that monogamy might not be your path, here are some important things to consider.

 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings without Judgement

First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge your feelings without immediately attaching guilt or shame to them. Questioning monogamy doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or that you’ve done something wrong. It simply means you’re growing and becoming more aware of your needs. 

Take a step back and give yourself permission to explore these feelings. You might feel conflicted, especially if you’ve always seen monogamy as the default or only option. This can be a vulnerable space, but it’s also a brave one. Be kind to yourself as you work through these questions.

 2. Reflect on What Monogamy Means to You

Before making any decisions, it’s important to reflect on what monogamy means to you. What does it represent in your life? Is it about commitment, security, exclusivity, or something else? 

Many people associate monogamy with loyalty and love, but commitment doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. You can have deep commitment in non-monogamous relationships, just as you can in monogamous ones. The key is understanding what commitment and love mean to you, rather than adhering to societal expectations. 

Ask yourself whether monogamy feels restrictive or whether it aligns with your values. Are you questioning monogamy because it feels limiting, or is it more about exploring your capacity for multiple connections? Getting clear on your reasons can help you understand where these feelings are coming from.

 3. Explore Your Desires and Needs

If you’re questioning whether monogamy is for you, it’s likely that your desires and needs are evolving. Take time to reflect on what those needs are. Do you crave more variety or novelty in your romantic or sexual life? Are you feeling emotionally stifled by the idea of being with one person? Or are you simply curious about what non-monogamy might feel like?

Understanding your core needs can provide a roadmap for where to go from here. These desires are not inherently bad or wrong, but they might point to deeper questions about how you want to engage with intimacy, love, and connection.

 4. Consider Your Partner’s Perspective

While your self-discovery is important, if you’re in a committed relationship, your partner’s feelings will also come into play. It’s essential to consider how your thoughts about monogamy might impact them. If you’re leaning towards exploring non-monogamy, open and honest communication is critical.

Ask yourself: how would your partner feel about this? Have you had conversations about relationship structures before? Some people might be open to exploring different models, while others may feel more comfortable with monogamy. This doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong—people simply have different needs when it comes to relationships.

If you’re worried about how to start the conversation, try framing it around curiosity rather than a definitive statement. For example, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship, and I’m realising that I might want to explore non-monogamy. I’d love to have an open conversation about it and see how we both feel.”

 5. Be Prepared for the Emotional Complexity

Questioning monogamy can stir up deep emotions, not only for you but also for your partner. Be prepared for the possibility of confusion, hurt, or discomfort on both sides. This is natural—any time we challenge a long-held belief or way of being, it can feel unsettling.

It’s important to approach this process with patience and empathy. If your partner is initially resistant or hurt, give them space to process. Relationships, especially those rooted in monogamy, often come with strong expectations, and it can take time to adjust to new ideas.

However, emotional complexity doesn’t always mean the end of a relationship. Many couples find that these conversations lead to greater intimacy and honesty, even if they decide to stay monogamous. The key is maintaining open communication and understanding that both partners need to feel heard and valued.

 6. Explore Non-Monogamy Responsibly

If you and your partner decide to explore non-monogamy, it’s essential to do so with intention, care, and clear boundaries. Non-monogamy is not a solution to relationship issues, nor is it a quick fix for dissatisfaction. Like monogamy, non-monogamous relationships require strong communication, trust, and mutual respect.

There are various models of non-monogamy, each with its own rules and dynamics. Some couples might choose an open relationship, allowing for sexual experiences with others while maintaining emotional exclusivity. Others may explore polyamory, where multiple romantic relationships are formed with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

If you decide to explore non-monogamy, take the time to educate yourself and your partner on what that looks like. Discuss boundaries, check in regularly, and ensure that both of you are comfortable with the pace of exploration.

 7. It’s Okay If Monogamy Isn’t For You

Finally, remember that it’s okay if monogamy isn’t for you. Society often presents monogamy as the only path to love and fulfilment, but the truth is that relationships come in many forms. Non-monogamous relationships can be just as committed, loving, and fulfilling as monogamous ones. What matters most is that you’re true to yourself and that you and your partner have the freedom to create a relationship that works for both of you.

If you’ve realised that monogamy doesn’t align with your values or desires, it’s not a reflection of your ability to love or be committed. In fact, exploring alternative relationship models can often lead to more intentional, authentic connections. The key is being honest with yourself and your partner and approaching this new chapter with curiosity and care.

Key Takeaways:

1. Questioning monogamy isn’t wrong: It’s a natural part of self-discovery. Allow yourself to explore your feelings without judgement.

2. Reflect on your needs and values: Take time to consider what monogamy means to you and whether it aligns with your desires for intimacy and connection.

3. Communicate openly with your partner: If you’re in a relationship, have an honest conversation about your thoughts and feelings, and consider their perspective.

4. Prepare for emotional complexity: Questioning relationship structures can stir up deep emotions for both you and your partner. Approach the process with empathy and patience.

5. Explore non-monogamy responsibly: If you decide to explore non-monogamy, do so with clear boundaries, strong communication, and mutual respect.

6. It’s okay to question or leave monogamy: Non-monogamy can be just as fulfilling and committed as monogamy. What matters most is finding a relationship model that aligns with who you truly are.

At the end of the day, your relationship choices should reflect your authentic self. Whether that leads you to non-monogamy, monogamy, or something in between, the most important thing is that it’s a decision made with intention, honesty, and love.